The Return Of DOAKES!
by The REAL Doakes
Summary: Doakes and Arthur team up to give Dexter a whooping!
1. Surprise!

Once upon a time, people thought Doakes blew up.

They were wrong.

You see, when Lilah was about to blow up that crack shack where Doakes was trapped, Doakes was able to escape at the last minute using his manly Doakes awesomeness. The UNIDENTIFIED body they found was some drug dealing whatever that came in to find his crack. He found it, but AT WHAT COST?

Doakes ran away and hopped a train, and lived as a travelling circus monkey for a few seasons. Then he found his way back to Miami, slightly blacker and full of rage for Dexter. He wanted to whoop him hard for almost letting him die.

He hunted down Dexter, and took a selfie right when Deb shot LaGuerta in that season 7 episode.

A week later, Dexter was checking his facebook, when he saw the photo. It was tagged "SUPRISE MOTHERFUCKER". That was where the episode got its name. True story.

Dexter was like "DOAKES! I OWN YOU! HOW DAR U! IMMA KEEEEEL YOU!"

But then he deleted the comment because it was "incriminating"

But... ARTHUR MITCHELL took a screenshot!


	2. The Doakes Duo

While working in the circus, Doakes became a world class scientist, but he didn't make any money from it because he kept scaring all his co-workers by going "surprise mothafucker!" while they were doing experiments. He blew up three hundred plus people, and was ultimately worse than the bay harbor butcher. AKA himself.

He did learn, however, how to bring people back to life, because that happens. So he remembered where the bay harbor was where the bay harbor butcher threw his bodies because he himself threw some bodies there, so he went down and got someone who would want revenge on Dexter, as his villianous lackey. REVENGE!

"Hello Dexter Morgan", the old and moldy Arthur Mitchell replied. "Do you like trains Arthur?"

"You are one sick motherfucka" replied Doakes. "Imma throw you back."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" YELLED ARTHUR. HE YELLED SO LOUD THAT HE TURNED ON CAPLOCKS!

"Fine" said Doakes "but you do what I say. You are now my bitch."

"Ok, thats all I ever wanted," responded Arthur. "Do you wanna take a bath with me?"

"Alright, washing old people is fun". Doakes got in the tub with Arthur, but kept his pants on because Doakes don't go that way. Not anymore.

Arthur subsequently slit his femur, but at the last second Doakes revived himself with his bring people back to life thing. Arthur apologized and baked Doakes cookies.


	3. Dexter Learns He Was Adopted

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" said Deb, after Dexter asked if she knew what day of the week it was.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT."

"Oh okay, its Thursay," Dexter understood.

"GIVE MEH HUGZ DEXTER"

"NAWWWWW I dont like people and I dont know how to act in society" said Dexter, running off to hug Hannah Mckay.

Deb sobbed, and went and built a snowman on her own.

Dexter killed the snowman right before Debs eyes. By the time he built the kill room it melted, but it hurt her nonetheless.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO MEH DEXTER!" "YOU'RE SUCH A BALLMUNCHING DICKDIDDLER!"

Dexter was sad, so chucked Harrison at a traffic pole.

Harrison laughed and walked all the way home.

"Hey Deb, you wanna make steak," asked Dexter.

"I ONLY EAT CHILI! You FUCKTARD! SHITBAG!" She shouted, belittling Dexter.

He made steaks anyway, and shoved them down her throat in the middle of her yelling "POOPPEDDLER!" So it sounded like "POO-glubglubglub"

"I'm sorry Deb."

"Shut up you vagina worshipper!"

"Huh I dont know what your talking about all I do is kill people why is that so hard for you to accept!"

"Because I was supposed to be the special! Not you!"

"Then you should have killed me!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Not if I kill you first!"

"You can't kill me!"

"Why not?"

"I'm immortal!"

"For realsies?"

"Yeh :3 Jk."

"Imma kill you for tat cat face"

"You cant kill me you scoundrel you will never be born"

"What your not my mom"

"How do you know you were adopted!"

"I was adopted?"

"Yeh"

"NOOOOO"

"Now I can shine my shoes while you're down"

"Oh btw Doakes is back and he knows about Laguerta"

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUU#$%^$#%^$#%^#^"


	4. Arthur And ARTHUR's Sceme

Meanwhile... On the prairie with Doakes and that other guy...

"Why you know like trains, Arthur?" Asked Arthur, evil tears forming in his aging psycho eyes.

"We've been through this five times, old man! I am DOAKES. Not ARTHUR."

"You are Arthur, not Doakes?"

"Yeh." "Wait, no!"

"Do you like trains, Arthur?"

"Dammit. Ok. Lets just plan on killing Dexter."

"You mean other Arthur?"

Doakes proceeded to shove a train down Arthur Mitchell's throat. A full train, not a toy.

Arthur shut up.

"So, you're an experienced bad noodle, got any plans for murder," asked Doakes.

"Can it involve trains?"

Doakes responded with his notorious Doakes glare of Doakes.

"Ok, can it involve this tragedy that happened when I was a wee lad, 64 years ago?"

Doakes gave the Doakes glare of Doakes again.

"Why not," pleaded Arthur.

"Because we MOVE ON FROM THINGS DAMN YOU!"

"Move on? I... I never thought of that... I could have just went to therapy for a few weeks and then been normal. Hmm..." Arthur murmered, inquisitively.

"Yeah!," Doakes continued, "I blew up, and you don't see me trying to kill people!"

"What about Dexter..."

"DEXTER IS NOT A PERSON DEXTER IS SCUM I WILL END HIM I WILL KEEEEEEEEEEEEL THEM ALL MAKE THEM GO BOOM!"

Arthur giggled at Doakes' hypocrisy, and then got pushed in front of a train by him.

He didn't die though, because he had so many trains in his pocket that it cushoined the fall.

"I know," exclaimed Doakes. "We can hit him where it hurts- with Harrison. You can do your sick little sicky sick train skit with him!"

"There's only one problem," Arthur interjected. "He's not nine. He has to be nine."

Doakes blew up, on the inside. He spanked Arthur in fury because now he could never kill or hurt Dexter because Arthur was a looney.

"Fine, Arthur," Doakes gave in. "If you help me keeeeeeel Dexter you can ride the train in front of KMart."

"YEFAUSDGJWEHER!" Hollered Arthur joyfully.

"Now, lets set up a trap. And let not make it obvious. Because its a trap."


	5. Deb Doesn't Like Back Up

_Hello, Dexter Morgan._

_ This is not a trap. You are invited to a __BLOODY DEATH, __I mean "party" wink wink. It is at an abandoned shipping container, __THE ONE YOU KILLED LAGUERTA IN__ I mean the one you killed Laguerta in. Be there, and bring your sister Debra Morgan too, Dexter Morgan. _

_ Sincerely, __DOAKES__ not Doakes._

"FUUUUUSHITBAGSHITFUGGGGGGG" spattered Deb, after Dexter asked her if it was warm enough to wear shorts. "And also, that email is kinda suspicious."

"Yeah, we probs shouldn't go there," replied Dexter.

"Naw, Imma go investigate."

"Well, you're gonna bring back up, right?"

"LOL DEB NO NEED NO BACK UP! BACK UP IS FOR N00BS! EAT SHIT SHERLOCK!"

"That's gonna be the death of you, one day..." (epic forshadowing =D)

"But not today, wisenuggetbuttface!" Deb screeched, swinging on a vine out the window, and rushing to the shipping yard.


	6. Don't Steal Doakes' Catch Phrase

A shadow approached the shipping container.

It was Deb. Meh.

As she stuck her head in this vaguely familiar container, something shot at her from behind!

She turned to see Doakes! Standing on top of a shipping container, his hair blew in the wind... wait, what?

Apparently, the explosion had resulted in Doakes growing an afro so long that it could blow in the wind.

Doakes began open firing at Deb, but Deb did all these flips and got out of the way. She jumped behind one of the many containers, miraculously dodging all the bullets.

"Shit, I aint gonna get that lucky next time I try this!" (More epic forshadowing =D)

Deb looked down to see a poster saying about the Bay Harbor Butcher. She knew nothing offended Doakes more than being falsely accused for something he so obviously did, so she took the poster and made a paper plane and threw it at him.

Deb hit him square in the eye with it.

"Arrrrgh," Doakes growled, automatically becoming a pirate, although the injury was minor and he could see perfectly fine.

Deb thought she was in the clear (since she didn't have any back up to ask) but Arthur snuck up from behind and shoved a train in her mouth so she couldn't scream.

"Surprise, mothafucka!"

"Aww, HELL to the NO!" Called Doakes, immediatly recoving and turning educated again. "That is MY LINE, BITCH!"

"Shut it, Doakes! It's not your line, it's every black person's line!"

"Arthur, U IS DERP"

":O"

"Ok... Im... gonna go..." said Deb slowly backing away.

"Not so fast, Arthur!" replied Arthur pulling out a pistol towards Debra "I'm not afraid to shoot you!"

"Don't you have to kill her in a bathtub or some other crazy shit?" asked Doakes.

"God dammit, Doakes! Thanks for reminding me. -_- Now I have to get a bathtub out here."

"I wouldn't if i were you..." exclaimed Dexter appearing from the shade with a gun.


	7. Dexter & Deb VS Doakes & Arthur

"Hello, Dexter Morgan! :D :D :D :D :D :D D: :D"

"You have a gun?" Deb asked, and then cursed out his gun.

"ARE YOU READY TO RUUUUMBLE" Quinn called from the sidelines.

"Fuck off, Quinn," yelled Deb, breaking up with him and then getting back together with him and then telling him to leave.

"ARTHUR IS READY TO RUUUUMBLE!"

"Wait, like you Arthur? Or me Arthur? Or her Arthur? Or that one little boy Arthur? Or you as a child Arthur?"

"ALL OF EM!"

"Awesome, cuz I gotta catch 'em all!" With that, Dexter threw a pokeball and commenced a poorly animated Game Boy pokemon battle.

_Dun dun dun dun dun dun_, rang the pokemon music, being played on a jukebox nearby by Quinn because he refused to leave because he ain't nobody's bitch.

A wild Doakes appeared.

So did a not so wild Arthur (the grown man).

"Go Debra!" yelled Dexter.

Debra used No Back-Up!

It was not very effective.

Doakes used I OWN YOU! and headbutted Dexter in the middle of the police officer, resulting in his gun being taken away.

It was not very effective.

Doakes' reputation decreased dramatically.

Dexter used STAB- Oh shit, Hannah McKay let Harrison walk on the treadmill and took him to the hospital for a small cut even though she is a fugitive of the law. I gotta take this call-

Dexter is unable to battle.

Arthur used Do You Like Trains, Arthur?

Debra is now confused.

Doakes is also confused.

Debra uses Fall In Love With Old Guy.

Arthur uses Arthur's Daughter.

Arthur's Daughet uses Kill Old Guy.

It was very effective.

Debra's defense went down.

Dexter has returned to battle after dealing with stupidity.

Doakes uses ATTACK!

It is not very effective.

Doakes is now trapped in a cage.

Dexter uses Lilah!

It was very effective.

Doakes goes BOOM!

Doakes is DED!

Arthur uses Hello, Dexter Morgan!

Dexter uses Drag Across The Room By His Neck With A Belt.

It was very effective.

Deb uses LUNdYYYYYYYYYY! ! #$#

Dexter uses It's Okay Deb, There Are Other Old Fish In The Sea

Deb uses I Think I Love You Dexter

Dexter uses I Love You Too, Deb

Deb uses No I'm _In_ Love With You Dexter

Dexter fled the battle.

Dexter returns to battle.

Dexter uses Wait You Are My Sister, That Is Messed Up

Deb uses Not Biologically, You Are Adopted!

Dexter uses I WAS ADOPTED?

Deb uses #%$^&%^&%$#^%*&$# %^&*&^%$#$%^&%$#%

Arthur uses Kill Four More People

Deb uses Shut Up Old Man, I'm Busy!

Dexter uses Hey Look, Arthur's An Old Man! You Like Old Men!

Deb does not respond because she is sleeping with Quinn.

Arthur uses Kill Rita

Dexter uses Hide In Arthur's Trunk

Dexter uses WHOOPIN TIME!

Arthur uses Goodbye, Dexter Morgan

Arthur is now DED

Dexter got 42 XP!

Deb got 1 XP!

Quinn had an overall good Friday night.


	8. That's All, Doakes! --Or is it?

"HOW DID WE LOSE?!" cried Doakes, bewildered.

"Maybe it's because you got blown up nub!" replied Arthur.

"STFU ARTHUR"

"Which Arthur?"

Doakes got Arthur in a choke hold, slapping him with his other hand and yelling "I OWN YOU!"

"Looks like I'm one step ahead of you, Doakes!" Dexter called, mockingly.

"Looks like I'm one step ahead of your step, Morgan!" Doakes shouted.

"Looks like I'M THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!" Yelled Arthur, quoting the wrong show.

Suddenly, the ground trembled. There was a loud train whistle, and the earth split apart behind them. Rising from the crack, was a giant... house?

Then, the house jumped to its feet and let out a horrible ROAR!

Dexter turns to kill Arthur while he has the chance, but it appeared that Doakes and Arthur were already in the robo house, controlling it!

"SURPRISE MOTHERF-cough-cough. Hold on, let me get a drink of water." He walked to the houses kitchen, and drunk water. "Okay, SURPRISE MOTHER-" he started choking on his water. It got all over his shirt, so he went and got a new shirt.

"Are you done?" Asked Dexter.

"Yeah. I mean, SURPRISE MUCKERFOTHER! Dammit! You get what I mean! Let's do this!"

"HOW IN THE AW#RTG $ #FADFPENISPENISWEGVBWESFD DID YOU BUILD A ROBOT? AND WHY IS IT A ASDGRENGFBEING HOUSE!" Deb cursed.

"I learned other stuff in my eight years of science school!" Doakes called. "In fact, if I wasn't so driven to kill you, I could have a great career!"

"And the house was my design! :D" Yelled Arthur. "It's for charity!"

"Well, charity can suck on this!" Dexter yelled, and for once actually used a gun. But it was too late now, and the bullets did nothing on the robot/house/church project.

"PREPARE TO DA!" Shouted Doakes. A cannon opened up from the house, pointing straight at the Morgans.

"Oh fuaelgtjjsdfasdfpenis!" Cried Deb, preparing yet again for death.

"Just watch," Dexter said calmly.

"FIRE!" Called Arthur, and gleefully smashed the big red button.

The machine shook and started smoking.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS TIME, ARTHUR?" Doakes scolded. "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MISSILE?"

"What missile?"

"THE HUGE TORPEDO I SPENT MY LIFE'S SAVINGS ON AND TOLD YOU TO PUT IN THE CANNON!"

"Oh, that old thing. I sold it for trains :D trololol."

Doakes sputtered and turned red. "WHAAAAAT? BUT IT WAS $750000! HOW COULD YOU EVEN SPEND THAT MUCH ON TRAINS?"

"Oh, I bought other stuff too! I bought a record, and a new jar for Vera's ashes, and a new car, and a new playground for my church, and a lock to lock my family in, and a belt, and a new shower head that gets really hot, and a new razor blade, and some hammers to beat in guys heads with, and a servant to beat me up, and some books for my school, and-"

"WHAT THE FUDGE ARE YOU?" Cried Doakes indignantly.

The machine was smoking even harder, now.

"Ummm... should we move out of the way, blubbernugget?" Asked Deb.

"That would be wise," agreed Dexter.

"DOAKES! Look at these pajamas! They were really expensive, since I had to by the same ones I wore in like 1812!"

"I KEEEEEL YUUUUUU" Doakes screamed.

"Do you like trains, Arthur?"

Doakes found his inner super sayan, and took a powerful swing at Arthur. Arthur ducked, and Doakes' fist flew past him, landing on the self destuct button.

"Wait! I prepared a line this time!" Yelled Doakes.

And with that, the house/robot/train burst into flames and exploded.

As Doakes flew into the sun, Dexter and Deb could here him cry...

"That's all, DOAKES!"

There was a faint yell after that from Arthur, which sounded something like:

"Team Doakes is blasting off agaiiiiinnn!"

Dextah and Debster made a steak.

FIN.


End file.
